Its all in me and other learnings

I have been relieved for the past few days. A lot of factors contributed to it. I learnt so much and I totally feel like Dr. Phil only better looking and lesser facial hair!

Reliever number 1: I finally quit from my shoddy job, which I can say with complete enthusiasm, was a constant pain in the ass. Although, I needed a break and more than the new job I was excited about the two week holiday I was planning to take before I shifted. Turns out, I get all of 5 days of holiday, which made me want to murder someone with my bare hands and carry her head around in a platter, just for fun. But all in all, I'd rather take 5 days off than none. So, 4th is my last working day. I get on a bus on 5th and head to my fav place on earth, Mcleodganj. I go there about once in 3 months but I hadnt gone in a while and I can literally taste the excitement on my tongue. Mostly because I am finally going there without a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend in tow. And once I come back, I get to join a job which is paying me almost double of what I got at this miserable one. Hows that for relief?

Reliever number 2 was that my counseling is almost over. I have been told that I am healed and I don't really need to go there except for maybe once in two weeks for a month and then once a month for a bit and then over. Healing basically meant that you end up learning that the root cause of all your problems in not in anything else but you. You are the one who causes all the problems and you are the cure for it as well. The moment you learn to respect yourself, to take responsibility and to realise that you are the best version of yourself, you're done. That is the only thing I learnt. All the rest was rubbish!

Reliever number 3 was P4. Now now, I know what your thinking but its not that. It didn't work out. He disappeared. And this time it was much before he met me and saw how fat I was. Which was weird, 'cause men usually don't run out on me till they see me. But fortunately and thanks to my counselling I guess, it didn't really effect me much except for a certain sense of relief. To tell you the truth, I didn't like him too much. I'll tell you the rest later.

Life's a bitch ain't it?? But it definitely has its perks!!!

Move On!!! (Love these ads and these ads, by the way)

And oh ya, Adam Lambert is not the American Idol. Wow! That one was a shocker!! And hes gay too! My mother just nodded her know-it-all head when I told her. "Ya ya I knew. He wore eye makeup and nail polish. Of course he is gay!" Prejudices, I tell you!

And Delhi lost in the semis of IPL. I had bought the jersey and everything! I was in severe depression for a bit but the thought T20 World Cup cheered me up. Also, after the finals, I had nothing to do when I got back home and so, reconnected with family!

And, I luuurrrvvvveeee this 46 year old Swiss Minister (Picture Right) that I briefly did a project with. Oh!! hes soooo adorable! Married though! But who cares!





I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot

The One With.....A Goodbye Letter

Hi,

I know this letter is the last thing you expect from me but I had to write it down. I had to tell you what I feel about you and how much you mean to me and writing has always come easier to me than talking.

I am going to leave you soon. You and I both knew this day would come and we were both trying to prepare for it. But no amount of preparation would stop the hurt and the sadness. But it has to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We weren't meant to be together. It just wouldn't have worked out.

You know I love you. I always have. We have spent so much time together but to be honest, I didn't really start to understand you till a little while back. I knew I loved you I moment I saw you but I could never express it. I could never tell you how much you mean to me and even though we have had our differences, I could feel the love inside me. You have done so much for me, and I feel like whatever you went through before you knew me was for a reason. It made you into the perfect person for me.

It has taken me a long time to truly understand the hurt and pain I caused you in the beginning and how, even though you probably wanted to stop me from hurting myself, you still let me go, to learn and to grow the way you have. I went away only to come back to you, but even then there was always something stopping me from getting close to you. You, slowly but surely, chipped away at the wall I had around me, till I couldn't hold it any longer and my love for you pervaded me and everything I did. I know I have taken away a part of you because I was so cold in the beginning but I hope, at least lately, I have made it upto you. I regret not being there for you when you needed me and even though you called out to me, I turned my face and looked the other way. Believe me, I didn't do that because I didn't love you. I just didn't know any better. I didn't know how much you had come to be a part of me just like I am a part of you.

I feel like our souls have intertwined and touched because of the love we shared.

The little things come back to me now. I still remember the nights I spent with you and how you would wake up early in the morning just to make sure that no one would disturb my sleep. You would shut the door and scream at anyone who came near it; you knew it was difficult for me to sleep sometimes. You watched the movies I wanted to watch even though you were least interested in them. You would spend lavishly on my birthday and surround my bed with little gifts so I would wake up surrounded by them and even then I would look forward to going out with my friends and not care about your gifts and when I would get dissapointed with my friends for not making my birthday special, you would hold me and wipe away my tears even though your heart was breaking. You would meet me in the middle of the day just because I wasn't feeling right that morning, Sometimes you would whine when I couldn't spend time with you but at the end, you would still laugh at my little jokes and wipe away that little frown you get when you don't like something. You would stay awake, sometimes till the middle of the night, just to make sure I had reached home after a drunken night out with my friends. You would call twice, thrice a day just to find out how I am. You let me talk and rave and rant about stupid stuff and you still listened with intent and then talked to me about doing the right thing. You stood by me, even though I made stupid mistakes and hurt you even more. You let me be me despite my insecurities.

I am complete because of you.

And now its time. I have to leave soon and I know that its going to kill both of us. I cant imagine my life without you. Without your presence, your laughter, your tears, your hugs. You have meant so much to me and I am me because of you. You gave me your everything and I am going to take it forward with me.

I am leaving a part of my soul behind. It belongs to you.

Goodbye ma!

I love you

Yours always,

Your Daughter

The day what I did, counted!

I am a very proud, first time voter, and if it wasn't for the fact that my voting constituency is considered considerably backwards, my picture would have also been in the newspaper, proud and smiling with the black mark on my finger prominently displayed.


Anyhoo, I voted and the reason why I did it is not because I thought my vote would really count but an altogether more vain reason. I had proudly proclaimed on television that I would vote and wonder of all wonders it was actually broadcasted. So not only did my disapproving parents see it but also a host of other people, who shouldn't have even known that I am capable of an opinion because eventually, they all laughed and called a stupid, moronic twit!

How it happened was this, there is a really good friend of mine, lets call him SIK, shall we, who I had a crush on some time back, joined an NGO as a City Leader. This NGO mainly has taken it upon itself to push people to register as voters all over India but mainly in the major metros, Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and the such. Now SIK had always thought that I was this intellectual person, with strong ideals, who does what she believes in etc and he got me to join this NGO as a City Team Member(CTM), better known as, cant-think-of-anything-better-to-do-doesn't-have-job-probably-in-college-wants-to-make-huge-impact-on-crush-who-has-strong-ideals, volunteer. We had a long conversation over drinks one day and I just, kinda, floated along. And very soon, I was this CTM who could command over the little college going CTM's by virtue of me being friends with SIK.



And sooner than you could say "hung parliament", I was actively involved in getting media for the various events that this NGO was doing in Delhi. One of these events was a rock concert for which I was supposed to call the media and believe me they came. All the major ones at least. It was a different case that there were absolutely no people there. But that's another story. At this concert, because of the lack of people, one of the TV channels needed to talk to someone about the initiative that the NGO was taking and whether it was making an impact and so on. Since the journalist knew me really well, she caught hold of lil ole me. And I was forced to say on camera that I would definitely vote and of course my life has changed and of course I think its so important that people should exercise their right to vote and also fulfil their duties to the nation and so on. It came on television for the world to see. I died. Not just because I was on TV but also because I lied on it. I wasn't registered as a voter, had absolutely no idea who I should vote for and had absolutely no intention of voting. And suddenly I had to vote. I was compelled to. In almost every conversation that I had after that, people talking to me about which candidate to vote for this time but also about the state of the nation and how they were so happy I was going to be one of the people who was going to spark a change and so on. Everytime I had one of these conversations, I was shaking with fear inside.



And so, I took a holiday from office, so I could register to vote. Yes, I did. I actually took a holiday, about 2 days before close of registration for voters. That day, I lounged around my house watching TV till I just could ignore it any more. Eventually, I raised myself out of slumber, got into my car and left to find the local Election Officer and registered to vote.



After that, I had this smug smile on my face. I lectured little 20 year olds in my office about how they should vote and it wasnt a joke and other stuff like that till it reached a point when just as I would turn around after giving them yet another lecture around the water cooler, I could feel their hatred burning down my back. But I didnt care! I wasn't a hypocrite anymore! And then a lot of things happened after that made me realise its a good thing I did register!!! Suddenly the party that I hated and would have hated even more if it would have won, was everywhere. They were campaigning with such gusto that I thought the winning of my party would be next to impossible. They were everywhere, on the radio, on television, in the papers, on lampposts. And it made my blood boil.



Come voting day, I went; a little scared, a little excited. I thought my name wouldnt be there. there were so many people who were turned back because there names weren't on the electoral roll. I looked for my name with bated breath. It was there!!!!! I went, cast my vote, got the little mark on my finger, left the area and immediately and called SIK. "I did it, I did it, I did it!!!!!" We went out for dinner with the other volunteers and celebrated the awakening of many others like me. Voter turn-out in Delhi was 5 percent more than last time. It doesn't sound like much but it meant a lot to us.



Today is counting day. The party I voted for, is winning. I cant help but smile!

twitter, blog, facebook, orkut, and other such www mysteries

We ushered in a new generation of technology in our house a few days back. My father experienced the joys of webcam chat and saw his grandchild for the first time. I had to set it up for him and explain to him that people were doing this a really long time before he even thought of doing it in our house.

So, I just joined twitter and managed to find my way around and it and even got addicted to it, at least for a bit. But to be honest, this online networking thingummy has gotten to me nowadays. It just seems like people are everywhere and you just cant escape them.

Lets start with facebook, shall we? I had joined facebook against all my friends better advice. "Its too confusing, it takes ages to open, you'll get lost in all those applications." I went ahead and joined and really, really liked it. It was addiction from day one. And not to sound too conceited or anything, but I am better acquainted with computers, the world wide web, social networking sites, uploading, downloading and other such complicated issues, than most of my chickie friends. You see, I had a computer way before anyone else did and even in school, people used to come over to my house to practise "Computer Applications" the most obsolete subject now, consisting of programming in DOS and Lotus 123.

Now, because of the presence of a working model of a computer in my house, I managed to play with that thing quite a bit and I soon realised that almost anything that is done on it can be undone. And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. One in which I even ended up naming my laptop. "Happy Singh Ji". Don't ask why!

But now, things have changed. Everything is so complicated. RSS feeds, tweets, pokes, applications, cross-links, its just so mind numbing and there have been times when I have just switched off my screen just so I could take a breather. In my profession, its imperative that you use "Social Media" for your clients. The impact is huger and wider, specially if you have to reach out to a target audience consisting mostly of "Urban Youth". We even have a Online Specialist in our office to help out with all of this.

Don't take me wrong, I do realise the need for all this. We need faster communication, paperless offices, accurate information retrieval and all that and I really DON'T have the patience to walk into a government bank and be expected to WRITE down an application!!!

But I still wish I could get a letter in the mail once in a while. And not just my mobile bill but a real letter. One written down by hand, with thought and effort. One that you could hold on to and tie up with a red ribbon. 50 years later I would take it out and show it to my grandchildren. And they would laugh and call me "silly ole granny."

There I go, becoming old-fashioned again!

P4

Yes yes, the journey has started again. I have embarked on the trail of the suitable soul-mate all over again, after taking time off from recuperating from the disaster that was P3.



P4 comes along after a long break. Courtesy again, my mother and an online matrimonial site. (I am always a little wary of the people who register online. Why would you search for someone you would spend the rest of your life with, on a name attached to a www, which could turn out to be totally fake? But then I realise that I am on it too and I should really stop judging people on something I couldve-shoulve-wouldve done.) Anyhoo, my mother calls me up one day and tells me that there's this guy, probably the only one who showed any interest in me anyway, on the website and I should take a look. I refuse and she launched into one of her tirades as to how her life is going to end soon and she wants to see all her responsibilities taken care of before she enjoys the rest of her life in peaceful abandonment, bouncing babies off her lap.(My brother just had one and she has been in baby heaven since.) I rolled my eyes, silently let out a small scream and said, Fine.

So I logged in. Mind you, she had to give me the username and password. I had no idea about all of this, had never been on this site before and had no clue how all of this worked. After a couple of cigarettes, a lot of abuses and a vicious thirst for a tall glass of beer, I jumped in. There it was, my profile, filled with lovely little nuances and characteristics about me, some of which I didn't even know existed!!! First thing I noticed, a lot of people had shown interest in me. (I told you, the online world is full of weirdos). Second thing I noticed- P4.



Now, I have to give my mum credit. She manages to find some good ones for me, at least in her mind. Not that they are totally unlikeable or anything. They are just, well, boring! P4 however, turned out to be not-too-bad. Architect from Manipal, (you know, I really do think that Manipal manages to churn out some really "cool" people. I regret looking down upon it when it came time for my admissions. Forgive me, Manipalians, including Sa and Gee!), good enough height (so goddamn important for me, you have NO idea!!) from the same clan as mine, (very important for fathers good wishes and presence at wedding) and had similar taste in music. Now I know that may not sound as much, but stand where I am standing, and you will understand, to start well is half done.



So I said yes. Yes, he looks interesting; yes his picture isn't too bad either; yes, you can talk to him, ma. My mother called him and the first round of interviews were cleared("He speaks well. I have given him your number. He should be calling you today"). The call came rather late at night and we ended up speaking for a long time. I felt no "connection" as such. It was like two acquaintances talking after ages. Long uncomfortable silences, lots of "and tell me"'s and weird lets-get-to-know-each-other questions - "what are your hobbies" and such. But all in all, it wasn't half bad, except for one small detail which worried me a little bit. He broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, about 6 months back. Now, according to me, 6 months in not a long enough time for a person to get over a 5 year relationship. It troubled me. But I guess, if the person is sure, who am I to complain?

Then my mother met him. She luuurrvvved him. In her words, "he is perfect for you, except hes on the slim side. You decide what you are going to do now." In other words, "can I enroll you in a slimming programme, or may be fat camp??" I love my mother. I am on a crash diet, boiled veggies and no alcohol.

And so, it starts; the entire game of who calls who first, who messages more often, why hasn't he called, its been a whole day, its 11:20, 23, 29 p.m., he usually calls around 11. Oh my god, he hates me doesn't he? Maybe I shouldnt have told him about...............

Relationships stress me no end!!!

"You can step out any time you like
But you may never leave"

The aimless wanderings of the nameless mind....

The world takes a turn and I find myself in a closed, claustrophobic room, white, with a window so far away I doubt if I could reach it. I make an attempt because that's what my life is now, attempts. A trial and error method that I learnt in a statistics class a long, long time ago.

The world turns again and now I am surrounded by men. Large, burly men with construction tools. Tools that have blood on them. They all sneer at me. "Its time" they say, "time to choose".

The spinning and turning continues, into a far reaching landscape. Africa, I think. Sparse and cold, lifeless yet again. I hug myself to get some comfort, some warmth. Africa eludes me. Maybe I can turn myself, away from this barren world.

I turn. I fall.

Its 1997, I am sitting in an examination room. There is no electricity. I keep a tissue under my arms so my hands don't slip with the sweat that seems to be exuding out of every pore of my body. I keep writing, regurgitating whatever I had learnt in that one sleepless night with coffee and cigarettes and a phone that doesn't ring, as company.

The turning just doesn't stop. I feel sick now.

I am in a bus, going up the mountains, fervently hoping for a miracle, trusting my life in the hands of a bus driver I will never meet. Its cold. I pull the well worn blanket above my head. It smells of cheap perfume and sweat. I think of a newly married woman, going up the same way, into the mountains, to start an unsure life.

I wait this time, patiently, for the world to come to me. To bring its disillusioned life at my feet. This time, it doesn't happen.

I wait, as I always will, sick and yet, expectant.