No, not really.

I haven't written in ages. And its not because I have abandoned this entire cathartic exercise of mine. Its just that I have started looking at my blog differently. It used to be about exorcising my demons and totally raving and ranting till the cows come home. But somewhere, over the last one year, I started blogging because I wanted to get certain things noticed; make my little change in the world; spread the light and so on.

And frankly speaking, I haven't really found anything which I could think of that would change the world. Nothing bad (or good), no injustice, no justice, nothing (I don't think I would make a good social activist). And I didn't want to be one of those people who write just for the sake of it. If I wanted to do that, I would keep a diary.

And so, I haven't written.

But what I do want to do today, is to wish myself Happy Birthday. I didn't realise that I have been writing for a year now. So much has changed, no? Anyhoo, Happy Birthday to myself! Here's to self awareness and balance.

Cheers!

A new job, a new beginning?

Okay so I am at my new job and it should suffice to say that I don't really like it too much. Its roach infested, doesn't have too many intelligent people hanging around, absolutely no guys worth the eye and I don't like the work too much. For the past couple of days I have been trudging off to office with a heavy heart and finally decided yesterday to take a couple of weeks break soon.



Is it weird that I want to go on my break on my own and just be alone far away from a city like Delhi? The feeling I need is to get up each morning knowing that I have nothing to do except to maybe write and think about a lot of stuff. No responsibilities, meet people with a different view on life, a broader perspective, who think about things other than just making money. I also want to volunteer, help little kids or animals or women. I dont know. So much stuff is floating around my brain that it gets difficult for me to concentrate on work or family or friends.

Iam at a loss!(Sigh)

I am on the outside and I am looking in....

I went through this entire phase of depression, self doubt, a whole lot of emotional cutting and so-on with absolutely no wish of putting anything down in writing. In any case, I didn't want to be stoned in public which I would have, had I written half of the thoughts I have had in the last couple of months. I still visited occasional blogs though and I found that people have marched on, regardless of my absence. (Kinda makes you feel small and insignificant, donnit?)

Anyway, I started going for counselling. People who have visited my blog often would nod their heads in agreements when I say, I needed it. I do have issues and as my counsellor says, "The first step is becoming aware". Anyhoo, I have gone for a couple of sessions now and believe me it helps, contrary to popular belief. (Exact words of Sa were - But, you'll become dependant!!! and how will you ever get out of it??). I went, nonetheless, and the first session wasn't that great. I mean I opened my mouth and blurted out everything that came to my mind and didn't feel lighter at all. I didn't start crying as I remembered everything although I did come close to tears. It just felt....normal I didn't take any deep breath after the session. But it did make me eager to go again and talk, mindlessly and without the burden of repercussions.

The second session was amazing!! It was like an eye-opener and made me so much more aware of the contradictions and conflicts within me. I did take a deep breath after this one and even though I vowed to make some changes nothing really happened till today morning when suddenly, as I was driving to work, I just became - me!! It was an amazing feeling. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew who I liked and who I didn't. I also knew what state the world was in. I was happy. I sang. The world looked good, I smiled at beggars, beggars smiled back. Co-workers, shop-keepers, even dogs smiled back!!!

It is a wonderful feeling!!!

Iaaammmm Baaaaacccckkkk...lalalalala!!!

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never be brought to mind?

I officially declare this year to be one of the worst in my life (And, here the new-old guy is going to say - "Why the eff do you keep cribbing for Gods sake!!!"). But it is true. This year has been one of the worst years of my life - The first being '07, "The Year of the Break - Up". I will of course write in detail about that later. Okay, maybe just a few sentences, since I am in the mood of reminiscing. A guy (the guy) broke up with me a couple of weeks before I was supposed to fly down and meet his parents, on the first day of my exams, after our marriage had been fixed, family members informed and celebrations begun (well, almost). Last year was the worst year of my life. And now, you know why. (Anybody who needs his address to pay him a little visit, feel free to contact me!!)

But, I digress. Back to '08. You will find below some of the worst things that have happened this year. They are in descending order of magnitude

1. My best friends mom expired. 'nuff said.
2. Problems arrived on the family front, and how!
3. I had a massive fight with one of my closest friends, and I am never, never speaking to him unless there is some serious grovelling involved.

4. I earn lesser than what I used to last year
5. I started working with The Colleague From Hell.
6. Terror struck the country over, and over and over again. (Give up terroristy people. We will never bow to you.)
7. I went out of town almost always accompanied by an ex-boyfriend (eeeyeh). I dont speak to him anymore and that's made it worse.
8. I didn't fall in love.
9. I almost got married.
10. I saw some good action, hence making me totally emotionally dependant on the person providing it.
11. I did not wake up in someones arms feeling like I was in heaven.
12. I almost got caught lying to my mother (a lesson I still haven't learnt).
13. I made absolutely zero new friends.


And finally,

I got a haircut yesterday. And its horrible! Its as if a mouse was allowed to nibble on my hair. People have actually gasped when they saw my hair and that's almost never good. Nobody gasps at hair, unless its a shampoo ad they're looking at.

Yes, it's been a bad year!

And oh ya, Happy New Year guys!!!

"This Years Love"
By David Gray

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this, life goes on

And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last

getting started

life has a funny way of bringing you around to face your truths..i hadnt planned on blogging...atleast not concretely (is that a word??)....i always admired the many subscribers to this voyeristic addiction....how can someone so blatantly put their life up for the world to read??...then it hit me!!....its a learning process...so many things to look at...so many mistakes to learn from....so many lives to contemplate on.....mine included....however, just to make it clear, this blog is not intended to be a list of unwarrented advice....even though, me being me, a lot of that is expected...and, me being me, few boundaries and limitations have to be created before i set foot in this new and exciting venture

Few rules for the blog:

1. Never, ever, EVER divulge personal information esp about people around me except maybe people i hate
2. No advice unless solicited (well...i'll try)
3. Keep it as simple as possible
4. No abusing...(arrrghh i hate this rule....but you gotta do what u gotta do...hmm maybe i'll change this one later..)
5. Follow it through
6. Keep to the rules (most important!!)

It looks like a small list but i couldnt think of anything else.... weeellll....heres to a journey of unbridled excitement, voyerism and catharsis.....Cheers!!

too much hard work, this blogging...i need a smoke!!!