Hi. I am Naal, and I am an Alcoholic

Or at least I think I am.

How do you define an alcoholic?

1. Crave for alcohol everyday. Check.
2. If don't get alcohol on a particular day, break open a bottle at home and drink alone. Check.
3. Have had more than four types of alcohol in one night. Check.
4. After a night full of alcohol, need more alcohol after dinner. Check.
5. Have alcohol more than twice a week. Check.
6. Have been in at least one accident involving drunk driving. Check.
7. Still drive drunk. Check.

The only characteristics that differentiate me from a standard definition of an alcoholic is that I don't get up in the morning and crave for a drink (unless, of course, I am on holiday in Goa).

My association with alcohol started a long time ago. Being from a part Goan, Army background, there was never any dearth of alcohol in my house. Bottles of wine, rum, vodka and beer were always present in the tiny bar at home. Alcohol flowed freely at family functions and you were supposed to taste champagne even if you didn't want to.

But all this never contributed to my obsession with the drink till some time ago. I was always someone who got one drink at parties and stuck with it throughout the night. I loved a good rum and coke occasionally, but generally stayed away from heavy duty drinks. Recently, however, I have seen a change in me that can put Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas to shame.

I get the urge to drink every evening. If I don't get to drink on a particular evening, I get up the next morning all cranky and ready to bite someone head off. Sometimes at night when I cant sleep and my thoughts threaten to overpower me, I have to get up and make myself a couple of drinks which I gulp down in one go. Every get together with friends and family revolves around alcohol. If I cant get any of the hard drinks, a couple of beers are a must. I have driven drunk sometimes, so drunk that I cant remember how I reached home. I don't even remember getting into my car or the road and stop signs on the way home. I have seen numerous accidents involving drunk driving, even been in one.

I am happy, I drink. I am sad, I drink. I hate myself, I drink. I love myself, I drink.


I love alcohol and I think I am in trouble because of it.

Warring Words

In my pursuit of balance, I had completely lost track of my blog. I remembered this poor-mans version of a counseling session today, when I am down with the flu replete with a runny nose, burning eyes, headache, sore throat and lots and lots of flem!

When I look back at the last few months, they have been the happiest because of a complete lack of events in my life. I plodded on regardless of who was dating who and who lost their job and who is getting married and who is ignoring their so called best friend for the last couple of months. And I was happier because of it.

I have been single for close to three years now despite being in love. Which makes me want to stand up and applaud myself. I am no longer the sniveling little pumpkin full of low self esteem and desperate for human companionship. I am the happiest at the end of the day, cozied up in my room, in my PJ's reading a book or watching the crappiest movie on television. And now I can, finally, totally pass judgment of people who are constantly in and out of relationships. Yeah, I do get lonely sometimes and crave for attention which is when I call up one of my many friends (you know, the ones that you keep on the side like french fries. nibbling on them only when you feel like but usually letting them go cold??). Or if worst comes to worst, I light myself a cigarette and plot ways to kill people who I love but don't love me back.

I loved my new year. I sat in bed with a close friend, ate pizza, watched scary romantic comedies, drank rum and slept at a decent hour of 2. I got up the next morning and played house for my friend, made him breakfast, screamed at him for not having a shower and generally scared my self silly cause I think I am totally ready for domesticity.

My best friend is in an awesome relationship. A little too co-dependent for me but who am I to judge them. The guy is sweet, cute, caring and all that and I think they would be awesome together as long as they work their little issues out.

I went back to music. I had actually lost out a lot of beautiful music cause it reminded me of days when I wasn't myself. I am back though and even though it is a rocky relationship, its so goddamn worth it.

Things are so much better with my family. Everybody is happy giving each other space to live their life, barring a few issues with my father who keeps thinking he get premonitions that my brother and his family need him to be with them when in fact they couldn't hope to be farther away and that causes a little problem which eventually gets sorted. I am the aunt of a beautiful little baby boy and even though he looked like a little monkey when he was born, he has grown into a really cute little goon complete with hooliganism and destruction of property.

So all in all, things are going fine and I think this is the first time that I would be blogging on things going well rather than my usual rants and raves.

This is so much better. I am no longer at war with my words.

Issues with a Jaded Humanity

I had the weirdest experience today which made me think of how I have changed over the last couple of years.

I usually don't hesitate to help someone in need; helping a blind person cross the road, pick up shopping bags of old people, give a beggar some water on a hot Delhi summers day etc.

But today, for some reason I hesitated. I was standing at the red light and there was a person in an SUV who wanted to turn into my road (one of those slope-y curvy roads). Because he was driving such a huge car, and because the road was turning and sloping at the same time, he couldn't really see the road right before him, the way a person who is driving a relatively smaller car could have. He went into a pothole and stopped. Probably because he wasn't sure of what he was getting into. He looked at me and raised his eyebrow. Now, ideally, I should have told him that its just a pothole and he should carry on. But I stared right back at him and didn't say anything. He raised the other eyebrow. I frowned. He gestured with his hand. I took out my sunglasses and wore them. He rolled down the window. I looked away.

The light turned green and I sped of.

I don't know why I didn't help him but I can safely say I am jaded. I don't care about people who drive SUV's and live in big houses. I kept thinking, if I was stuck like that, would he have helped me? Later on, when I thought about it again, he probably would have.


So why have we all become like this.

A couple of days ago, I was with my colleague in an auto. A little girl came to us to sell pencils. 2 for 10 bucks. I didn't buy any because I have bought so many pencils from girls like her, the dashboard in my car has about 20 of them. She then saw that we had a bottle of water and she asked us for some. My colleague said no cause she would probably need the water later. I took the bottle and gave the little girl some water.

What has happened to our conscience? Have we just lost it in search of a better, richer life? Or is it just that we have been treated by other humans as meaningless, lifeless beings for so long, we just don't care any more?

Not Blocked

I am not suffering from writers block. I just don't have anything interesting to write about.

Except to bring to light a horrid experience I had on the only day it rained like crazy in Delhi. I had to wade through thigh deep water and had to beg someone to repair my tyre puncture.

And I learnt that, despite the fact that I survived the entire experience, I may not be as strong as I thought I was. (I cried like a baby when I found out about my tyre.)

Gay and loving it!

No, I am not gay.

But if I wanted to be, nothing would have stopped me. Everyone who supports Free Expression and Secularism and everything that's good and free in this world, would, in all probability, also exult in this landmark judgment of the High Court, abolishing some portions of Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code and making homosexuality a legal phenomenon.

Not that it would stop prison rape from The Sisters like in The Shawshank Redemption.

I once knew a man who had been gangraped by men when he was very young. But thats a different story altogether.

Domestic Violence and the Human Psyche

Even though I have grown up surrounded by women who define women empowerment, I and many other women have been subjected to domestic violence, whether physical or emotional.

Wikipedia defines Domestic Violence as :

Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, or intimate partner violence) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.

Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors in some legal systems, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.


I have a different definition of it.

When a person has absolutely zero respect for you, your family and friends and has serious emotional problems, they indulge in a little "violence therapy" to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately domestic violence isn't domestic violence unless committed by someone you know and are considerably close to. Everyone cringes when they watch a movie which shows domestic violence in all its gross glory. Zeenat Aman went through years of domestic violence from her then husband Sanjay Khan. Aishwarya Rai tried to bring domestic violence to light in "Provoked", Jennifer Lopez in "Enough" and I am sure everyone must have at least seen the picture of a battered Rihanna that hit the news recently.


So why does a person endure such torture and still stay?

I am sure everyone has different reasons ranging from children, financials and then there are the other kinds. The ones who just don't know any better, like me.

I went through an incident of domestic violence 6 years ago. I had just started a relationship with an extremely good looking, suave guy in my office. All was good for the first two months. We had our fights but nothing extraordinary till one day I was too tired and walked away from a fight with him. I went to the terrace of my office to have my last smoke of the day. It was quiet 'cause everyone had left except for a few people in the next door cafeteria. I saw him walk out of the cafeteria and on to the terrace. He walked towards me and without warning, hit me so hard on my face that I saw stars. He hit me a couple of more times, abused me and before I could react walked away confidently with me on the ground, trembling and cowering. It didn't end there. Two seconds after he walked away, I felt something warm and liquid-y in my mouth. I felt my face and realised it was covered in blood. It was like a tap had been turned on in my nose. The blood just wouldn't stop.

I knew I needed help, so I somehow got up and walked into the cafeteria. I looked so bad, a woman fainted the moment she saw me. I was rushed to the hospital where I found out the bastard had hit me so hard, it broke a ligament in my nose. I still have problems breathing through one nostril and I need to get surgery done in order to correct it.

I didn't stay in the hospital. I went back to office. I walked right up to the guy, stood in front of him and smiled. There was no way I was going to show that he had broken me.

I stayed in that office and faced him with my head held high, till one day the guy got thrown out because he propositioned another girl to spend a night with him for some rupees. He got beaten up by the girls friends when he was leaving office. Karma at its best!

But for some reason, I never told anyone in office what had actually happened. I just told them I fell. And I will forever curse myself for it. I just couldn't bring it up. I thought it would make me look weak. I know better now.

Whoever faces domestic violence has to hit their own low point to realise that they have to get out. Its an addiction. People who perform these hideous acts, are always so loving and caring and look so guilt ridden afterwards that if you love them you always end up giving them another chance. One of my friends was in a violence-ridden marriage for 10 years. She used to come with bruises on her arm from where he held her and shook her till she almost fainted. She always used to say that her husband was so guilt ridden after he beat her up that she thought there was no way he would do it again. And after some time, she just got used to it. It took her 10 years and another man, who loved her tremendously, to get away and file for divorce.

And, I am not saying domestic violence is restricted to men against women. It can be any form of torture, women to women and even women to men. And its just not right.

I loved the 2008 public service campaign called "Bell Bajao!" encouraging people to stop violence by ringing the doorbell where the act was being committed.

I don't think there is any cure for this and no matter how much the law tries to prevent it, its not going to help. And in any case, if a person just doesn't do it for the fear of being thrown in jail, it not really worth it, is it? Its the psyche of people that needs to be changed and the only way to do that is by education and awareness.

This post is my part in spreading the light.

Confetti

Anon Issues:


Work Life

Vast improvement. A new CEO has joined and being from my previous workplace, has taken me under her wing. I think I just needed some mollycoddling. Pest control also happened, and my workstation is roach free, well almost..


Delhi's impregnable heat

Rains are no where in sight and the heat has built to an almost exploding point. Delhi reels under 12- 20 hour power cuts and this being the capital of the country. Sheila D, Chief Minister, par excellence. Meh!


P 5

New guy. Not bad. Weird name though. Has a good sense of humor but not very talkative. I think it might work out. Opposites attract after all. At this point, I am ready to try out anything just to keep my mother quiet for a bit.


Michael Jackson

I thought the intern in my office who gave me the news was playing a prank on me till i turned on the Television. I loved MJ. His music was universal. I still remember the time when I used to steal my brothers cassettes just so I could listen to MJ on my walkman. I will miss him. Rest in peace.


Ova and out!

Lose Weight, Dammit!!!

My struggle with weight loss has been on since I reached college and started eating like a pig. And since then, I have experimented with many fad diets including, the General Motors Diet, the Only Veggy diet and the ever -popular, eat-whatever-you-want-till-4 p.m. diet. None of these have worked. I even tried my hand at exercising; going for walks with my mother, joining a gym, dance classes, cycling, everything and my problem is, even if I do end up losing weight, after a few months, I give up and bloat up like a balloon.

Here are 11 signs (reasons, if you will) I have encountered over the years, indicating an urgent need to lose weight:

1. Being rejected ever so often because I didn’t look good or because I was fat or more often than not, the reason given is - "we don’t seem to be compatible enough". Ya right!

2. After you've had a satisfying make-out session, you settle in for the good snuggle with a post-coital cigarette, when suddenly a voice shatters your calm - "You really should lose weight, you know". It has happened to me. A perfect ending to a perfectly good (you thought!!) session!

3. You are climbing up two flights of stairs, and by the time you reach the top, you think you're probably having a coronary. You huff and puff for the next 10 minutes and conveniently blame it on your smoking.

4. You're with a new guy, the weather is at its romantic best and you decide to go for a walk. You're holding hands and enjoying the weather and the company when your boyfriend turns to you and says, "You’re not used to walking, are you? You already have droplets of sweat on your nose. It’s really cute!!!" All this is happening while you’re silently cursing the sweating genes you got from your mother.

5. You're preparing for a night out at the snazziest club in town. You put on your best top, squeeze your bottom into your tightest pair of jeans, wear your sexiest stilettos and reach the venue only to find that your friends look a million times better than you do cause they can wear skimpy clothes and expose their perfectly shaped bodies and all you have to expose is rolls of fat!

6. Black is absolute fav color. Cause it’s just so cool and you’re a rocker chick, aren’t you? Hmph!

7. You really like a guy; you finally muster up the courage to ask him out for drinks, just casual, with friend’s et al. He says yes and you are over the moon. He comes over and you introduce him to all your friends including your good looking and more importantly thin best friend. The guy is so enthralled by your best friend that he completely ignores you the entire evening and focuses all his attention her.

8. The guy in the previous point, strangely keeps asking you out for drinks and/or coffee. You realize it’s only because he knows that the only way he can meet your best-friend is if you come as well.

9. You are hungry and dying to eat the Big Mac burger at Mc D's, but you think twice before you eat in public and the only way you end up eating is when your equally huge and hungry friend eats with you.

10. You go to get your legs waxed and the salon charges you more than they would a normal sized person. Your legs are so huge; they have to use double the amount of wax and effort. I blame this on the hairy genes I got from my father.

11. You are cleaning your closet and you realize that the pair of jeans you kept from your school days, for "motivation", has started smelling musty.


I am going to lose weight!!

Right after I have this last slice of pizza! Oh crap, I am supposed to go out for a business dinner today!!

From tomorrow, I promise!!!

SOS!!

Okay, after a lot of futile deliberation, I have reached a conclusion that I cannot make a simple decision and I need help!

My major problem is that I need to get out, to leave this place for a few weeks and I am confused. Mostly my confusion stems from the fact that I don't know how to go about this and if I leave now, I am basically kicking my career in the balls.

As people know, I just joined my new job and even though I did go and travel over the weekend, I didn't get the break that I thought I would and that need is growing almost every minute, till I am almost screaming in muted agony by the end of a day. My conundrum has multiple facets and I will try and list all of them down:

1. I need a break, now!! And it cant be just a couple of days break, it has to be good couple of weeks, to a month.
2. I have just joined a new job and I couldn't possible leave 4 days into it.
3. My old job people want me back and I can negotiate a month off, if I do decide to join back
4. My old job people can offer me a similar post etc but the work there will suck comparatively to this one
5. The salary is awesome here, the work is less and more intellectual and so on, plus I am like the second-most senior person in this place but that's mostly cause its such a small company.
6. I have already tried to negotiate my holiday in this company; the problem being that the current CEO is leaving and a new one is coming in, and the new CEO will decide on my break which will be in another month and not before that
7. I cant leave before end of June, cause of family stuff
8. My break will consist of me going to the place I love and staying there with interesting people, mostly travellers, and the thought of that is making my life here, even more miserable!!!

I don't know what to do, should I go back to my old job, or stay in this one? Should I negotiate my break here or there? I don't know and I am desperate for advice, any advice!

HELP!!!

A new job, a new beginning?

Okay so I am at my new job and it should suffice to say that I don't really like it too much. Its roach infested, doesn't have too many intelligent people hanging around, absolutely no guys worth the eye and I don't like the work too much. For the past couple of days I have been trudging off to office with a heavy heart and finally decided yesterday to take a couple of weeks break soon.



Is it weird that I want to go on my break on my own and just be alone far away from a city like Delhi? The feeling I need is to get up each morning knowing that I have nothing to do except to maybe write and think about a lot of stuff. No responsibilities, meet people with a different view on life, a broader perspective, who think about things other than just making money. I also want to volunteer, help little kids or animals or women. I dont know. So much stuff is floating around my brain that it gets difficult for me to concentrate on work or family or friends.

Iam at a loss!(Sigh)

Everyday News

So I have been hearing about all the racial attacks on Indians in Oz and I have been wondering what the hullabaloo is all about. I mean, this has been happening for absolute ages now. Why is it making the news now? And why is the Oz being bashed up so badly because of it?

Racism and discrimination is a part of everyones lives including Indians in India. I mean, I cant walk on the road without 20 autos stopping by to ask if I need a ride. If I need one, I will ask. I cant smoke in my car at a red light without drawing stares from other cars. A man smokes, fine. A labourer woman smokes, fine. Why me then?

Can you name one place on this planet which does not discriminate? Its there, heavy and present for all to see. Indians don't realise that they discriminate so much when it comes to goras in our land. I walk into a 5 star hotel along with a gora and the gora gets more attention than I do. They get service-with-a-smile and I get just polite service. When I went to Pushkar along with my friends, in spite of the fact that we had made reservations at a guest house, when we arrived our reservation had been cancelled cause some goras had preponed their plans.

How bad can racism and discrimination in another country be, when you face the same in your own?

So, my advice to these little cribbing idiots, Suck It Up! Its no better here!!

The day what I did, counted!

I am a very proud, first time voter, and if it wasn't for the fact that my voting constituency is considered considerably backwards, my picture would have also been in the newspaper, proud and smiling with the black mark on my finger prominently displayed.


Anyhoo, I voted and the reason why I did it is not because I thought my vote would really count but an altogether more vain reason. I had proudly proclaimed on television that I would vote and wonder of all wonders it was actually broadcasted. So not only did my disapproving parents see it but also a host of other people, who shouldn't have even known that I am capable of an opinion because eventually, they all laughed and called a stupid, moronic twit!

How it happened was this, there is a really good friend of mine, lets call him SIK, shall we, who I had a crush on some time back, joined an NGO as a City Leader. This NGO mainly has taken it upon itself to push people to register as voters all over India but mainly in the major metros, Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and the such. Now SIK had always thought that I was this intellectual person, with strong ideals, who does what she believes in etc and he got me to join this NGO as a City Team Member(CTM), better known as, cant-think-of-anything-better-to-do-doesn't-have-job-probably-in-college-wants-to-make-huge-impact-on-crush-who-has-strong-ideals, volunteer. We had a long conversation over drinks one day and I just, kinda, floated along. And very soon, I was this CTM who could command over the little college going CTM's by virtue of me being friends with SIK.



And sooner than you could say "hung parliament", I was actively involved in getting media for the various events that this NGO was doing in Delhi. One of these events was a rock concert for which I was supposed to call the media and believe me they came. All the major ones at least. It was a different case that there were absolutely no people there. But that's another story. At this concert, because of the lack of people, one of the TV channels needed to talk to someone about the initiative that the NGO was taking and whether it was making an impact and so on. Since the journalist knew me really well, she caught hold of lil ole me. And I was forced to say on camera that I would definitely vote and of course my life has changed and of course I think its so important that people should exercise their right to vote and also fulfil their duties to the nation and so on. It came on television for the world to see. I died. Not just because I was on TV but also because I lied on it. I wasn't registered as a voter, had absolutely no idea who I should vote for and had absolutely no intention of voting. And suddenly I had to vote. I was compelled to. In almost every conversation that I had after that, people talking to me about which candidate to vote for this time but also about the state of the nation and how they were so happy I was going to be one of the people who was going to spark a change and so on. Everytime I had one of these conversations, I was shaking with fear inside.



And so, I took a holiday from office, so I could register to vote. Yes, I did. I actually took a holiday, about 2 days before close of registration for voters. That day, I lounged around my house watching TV till I just could ignore it any more. Eventually, I raised myself out of slumber, got into my car and left to find the local Election Officer and registered to vote.



After that, I had this smug smile on my face. I lectured little 20 year olds in my office about how they should vote and it wasnt a joke and other stuff like that till it reached a point when just as I would turn around after giving them yet another lecture around the water cooler, I could feel their hatred burning down my back. But I didnt care! I wasn't a hypocrite anymore! And then a lot of things happened after that made me realise its a good thing I did register!!! Suddenly the party that I hated and would have hated even more if it would have won, was everywhere. They were campaigning with such gusto that I thought the winning of my party would be next to impossible. They were everywhere, on the radio, on television, in the papers, on lampposts. And it made my blood boil.



Come voting day, I went; a little scared, a little excited. I thought my name wouldnt be there. there were so many people who were turned back because there names weren't on the electoral roll. I looked for my name with bated breath. It was there!!!!! I went, cast my vote, got the little mark on my finger, left the area and immediately and called SIK. "I did it, I did it, I did it!!!!!" We went out for dinner with the other volunteers and celebrated the awakening of many others like me. Voter turn-out in Delhi was 5 percent more than last time. It doesn't sound like much but it meant a lot to us.



Today is counting day. The party I voted for, is winning. I cant help but smile!

I am on the outside and I am looking in....

I went through this entire phase of depression, self doubt, a whole lot of emotional cutting and so-on with absolutely no wish of putting anything down in writing. In any case, I didn't want to be stoned in public which I would have, had I written half of the thoughts I have had in the last couple of months. I still visited occasional blogs though and I found that people have marched on, regardless of my absence. (Kinda makes you feel small and insignificant, donnit?)

Anyway, I started going for counselling. People who have visited my blog often would nod their heads in agreements when I say, I needed it. I do have issues and as my counsellor says, "The first step is becoming aware". Anyhoo, I have gone for a couple of sessions now and believe me it helps, contrary to popular belief. (Exact words of Sa were - But, you'll become dependant!!! and how will you ever get out of it??). I went, nonetheless, and the first session wasn't that great. I mean I opened my mouth and blurted out everything that came to my mind and didn't feel lighter at all. I didn't start crying as I remembered everything although I did come close to tears. It just felt....normal I didn't take any deep breath after the session. But it did make me eager to go again and talk, mindlessly and without the burden of repercussions.

The second session was amazing!! It was like an eye-opener and made me so much more aware of the contradictions and conflicts within me. I did take a deep breath after this one and even though I vowed to make some changes nothing really happened till today morning when suddenly, as I was driving to work, I just became - me!! It was an amazing feeling. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew who I liked and who I didn't. I also knew what state the world was in. I was happy. I sang. The world looked good, I smiled at beggars, beggars smiled back. Co-workers, shop-keepers, even dogs smiled back!!!

It is a wonderful feeling!!!

Iaaammmm Baaaaacccckkkk...lalalalala!!!

Scared or Self Preserved?

So, I was driving to work today and on one of those narrow lanes that I have discovered as a shortcut, there was a slight traffic jam. I couldn't figure out the reason; there can be many; cows on the road, some kids playing street cricket, a rally and so on. This time however, the reason was a little different. There was a crowd that had gathered at the side of the road consisting only of men and as I passed them, I saw what can only be described a very frightened woman in the middle of that crowd. She was screaming at another man who looked very smug. One woman surrounded by at least 20 men!!! To my shame, me and the other commuters, did not stop (some commuters paused just to have a look at whats happening) but not one, read O-N-E person stopped to help. And, neither did I.

After about 3 seconds I realised what I should have done. I should have stopped to find out what happened and offer my help. I know if I was in her place, I would have really appreciated it, if someone had stopped to help me, considering I would have been surrounded by 20 men. But I didn't. I didn't stop. And that got me thinking.

Why don't people help each other, specially in such sticky situations. Is it because of the sheer nature of the situation? I have seen people stop and help accident victims. But for some reason, people will never stop if there is a fight happening. They will stop and stare but they will never help.

I read another article in the paper yesterday. A man was getting pickpocket(ed) in a crowded. He felt the thief's hand on his pocket and quickly grabbed it. The thief, whipped out a small knife and stabbed the man. The man's friend realised what was happening only after the man started screaming. The friend started screaming at the bus driver to stop the bus, but the driver didn't listen. Not one person helped the two men. The thief actually managed to throw the man he was robbing from the bus. The bus still didn't stop. His friend had to jump from the bus and rushed the man to the hospital. He was pronounced DOA.

Now, I know people are scared to get into any trouble if they helped someone. But are you trying to tell me, that if all the people on the bus had gotten together and grabbed that thief's knife, he would not have been overpowered? Are you also trying to tell me, that if I had stopped to help that woman today, it would not have helped the situation?

I have stopped many a times to help people, dogs, cows, horses; whatever I could see needed my help. But I don't stop each and every time. I am so guilt ridden today that it has driven me to tears. What if the crowd had gotten rowdy and hurt the woman, raped her even? Maybe, just maybe I could have prevented that situation?

What has driven us to such fear, fear to help another human being?

I think its an innate urge to self preserve. I cant blame anyone else anymore for not helping another person in need. I am just like everyone else.

Prospective No. 3

For all those people who read my previous post and were sitting all fingers crossed and fervently praying for my future happiness, here is some bad news. And while I am quite glad at this turnout and, more importantly, I know the "what goes around comes around, times three" rule, I am sure other people, namely my family, are not really happy with the result.

Okay, everything else aside, why are people so hesitant to tell the truth. I mean, we are all human. We all make mistakes and for gods sake, the truth will set you free and all that!!

Prospective 3 (lets call him P3 from now on) was one of those guys who want to try a million things on for size before they pick one. Its fine when you do it with clothes and shoes, underwear even, but not with women. You can try a shoe, not like it and move on, without even a "later!!" and not be at the risk of hurting its feelings. We women on the other hand, would like to be informed if you have selected another shoe. We want to be told that we have lost the race and there is no hope of winning the grand prize of a lifetime of slaving over the pot and picking up after our incapacitated husbands.

Straight after my first meeting with P3, and after he expressed his interest in taking things forward and me saying "likewise" to my mother, he left for foreign shores on a business trip. I did not hear from him for the next month or so. Not even a "Hi" or a even more casual "Waddup". It did not concern me much as I am well aware of how incapable men are in the subtle art form called Communication.

Upon his return, and the only way I knew he had returned was that I knew someone who worked in his office, I decided to take matters in my own hand and texted him. After all, this was as much as my decision as his. Right??? WRONG!!! And all women who have been through the entire getting-to-know-each-other game would be nodding in agreement right now. A woman is never, ever, ever supposed to take the first step. Its a cardinal sin and it makes you look desperate and needy and clingy. (Who makes these rules in any case??Patience is not one of my virtues and I always end up violating this one. Arrrghhh, I hate this rule!!) Anyhoo, I made the mistake and wrote him a very casual "Alive Yet??". Sacrilege I tell you!!! To my surprise I got a prompt reply. "Alive and Back" said the text. Subtle, bland, emotionless. I, on the other hand, was over the moon. And to further my excitement, I got a call as well. It lasted a while and by the end of it, I was imagining myself dancing around trees in Switzerland on my honeymoon. And in the duration of the call, plans to meet that weekend were also made. I even called up S and told her. That was my level of excitement.

So, I looked forward to the weekend. The weekend came, finally!! And no sign of P3, not even a peep. I waited, and waited and waited, till I just couldn't anymore and made another mistake. I texted him to ask him what the scene was and if we were meeting. And then I waited some more. Towards the end of the day, I got a reply. " Am with Boss who has come down from London. Have to chaperon him for the weekend. Can we do this next weekend??" And so naturally, I said sure and went out for drinks with S.

Next Weekend

By Friday I knew he had gone out of town again. Gone to the home town to meet the parents and the 100 day old niece. I was feeling all very nice and warm and fuzzy. After all, I was going to be a part of his family and his 100 day old niece would soon be my 100 day old niece as well.

Texts exchanged on Friday:

P3 -"Can we do it next weekend??"

Naal -"Sure Thing, No Problemo, Absolutely!!"

P3 - "How about coffee next Saturday?? "

Naal - "That would be great!!"

The weekend after that

Saturday 1 p.m. - I had bitten my nails down to their stumps in anticipation.

Saturday 2 p.m. - " What the eff??"

Saturday 3 p.m. - I gave up and sent a text - " I guess we are not meeting today as well??"

Saturday 6 p.m. - I had one of those revelations that people talk about. If someone does not even respect my time enough to let me know if he is unable to meet, I dont think I can be with him. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life in a guessing game. I called him to tell him off. He did not pick up. I finally texted him and told him it was not working out and the reason why as well. I got a reply.

"I owe you an apology Naal. I completely agree with your message and point taken. But I guess it wasn't working out for either of us. I met someone when I was travelling and I dint know how serious she was till she flew down to meet me while I was with my parents. And that was just a week ago!!".

So, I am supposed to be okay with that?? Cause, its just been a week since you have known, right?? Ya ya, Of course I can shrivel up and die honey!! Of course I have no self respect and of course the sun shines out of your ass!!

Now, I know I made the biggest mistake ever by taking the first step and texting him. But oh wow!! How desperate is she?? She actually flew down to meet him??? After barely a couple of months of knowing him??? And what the eff was he doing till then?? Waiting to see who proves how serious who is about him?? And if that is the case what happened to Rule No 1. "Women should never show their feelings" and Rule No. 2 "Women should never take the first step even if they are dying. No, not even a text!!" (Rules!!! Sod 'em I say) But in my defence they do seem to work on other people and not some EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WHACKJOB WITH VERBAL DIARRHOEA!!! HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, FREAK!!!

There!! I Said It!!That probably saved me a million bucks in therapy...Don't you think??

So, back to being a spinster... Ahhh, bliss!!!

The Night and Day and Night and Day and Night of Unfairness and Terror

I had just gotten up to a beautiful winter morning, all charged up to go to work with a vague memory of watching the news before I slept, the news of gunfire at the Leopold Cafe in Mumbai. All it did that time, was evoke fond memories of a good meal at the cafe I had had a few years ago.

All the feelings of general well being vanished into the morning fog when I saw the front page of the Times of India. While I slept, an entire city had erupted into terror. Images of a young man, carrying an AK 47, bag slung around his shoulders, eyes filled with anger and hatred is how I will always remember that morning and the day that ensued.

I have seen a lot in the last few years, as has everyone else my age. 9/11, the attack on parliament, serial bomb blasts across the country, the Gujrat riots; I thought I had seen it all. And through all of this, not once did I feel that India was an unsafe country, a country where you need to look over your shoulder. But today, almost 36 hours since the first reports of the attack on Mumbai came in, I am scared. Not about my life, but about the millions of harmless, innocent people who have been targeted by these factions of terror.

What hits me the most is the unfairness of it all. Why?? Just that one word is enough to stump anybody. I don't blame Islam or any other religion for this attack. No religion is perfect. Even Christianity and Buddhism had their bloody pasts. So why target only one religion? Just because through history and time they have proved to be the most vocal? Yes, it is wrong, this attack. But I blame other groups for it.

This attack was a complete failure of Intelligence of the country. Why did the state government take so much time to call in the NSG and Army? When did the lives of people become more of a question of ego than anything else? Did the Maharashtra police seriously think they could have handled such a well planned, motivated attack? Where was RAW during all this; all throughout the planning stages of this mission? It seems to be that the ISI is more active in insurgencies, espionage and training terrorists than the RAW is even capable of. Obviously it took a lot of resources, time, money and such for the attack to attain such gigantic proportions. Did RAW or ATS or even the Maharashtra state Police not even get a whiff of the plan? Or where they too busy trying to pacify Mr. Thackeray?

As I watch images of helicopters hovering over Nariman House in Mumbai, I want people like Raj Thackeray to sit up and take notice. This is your city. The city you so desperately wanted to protect from "North Indians". Now what Mr. Thackeray? Why aren't you doing anything for your city or have you become as helpless as the rest of us? Cant you see that the NSG commandoes that are trying to save the citizens of your city, are from all over the country including North India? They will go and risk their life for your city, and you cant even spend a week in jail for it?

I think its time we bring the larger issue into perspective. This is our country. The people in this country are ours regardless of caste, religion and state. And unless we erase the invisible lines we have drawn around us, we will always have people from "the neighbouring country" penetrate our security and enter our peaceful land. Its time we stood, as one!!!


This one is for all those people who have given their lives for the peace of this country......May you rest in peace.

Jai Hind!!!

P.S. The attack lasted for 59 hours and claimed 187 lives (official figures). I hope it has finally awakened our lackadaisical country into action.