Monday, June 15, 2009

SOS!!

Okay, after a lot of futile deliberation, I have reached a conclusion that I cannot make a simple decision and I need help!

My major problem is that I need to get out, to leave this place for a few weeks and I am confused. Mostly my confusion stems from the fact that I don't know how to go about this and if I leave now, I am basically kicking my career in the balls.

As people know, I just joined my new job and even though I did go and travel over the weekend, I didn't get the break that I thought I would and that need is growing almost every minute, till I am almost screaming in muted agony by the end of a day. My conundrum has multiple facets and I will try and list all of them down:

  1. I need a break, now!! And it cant be just a couple of days break, it has to be good couple of weeks, to a month.
  2. I have just joined a new job and I couldn't possible leave 4 days into it.
  3. My old job people want me back and I can negotiate a month off, if I do decide to join back
  4. My old job people can offer me a similar post etc but the work there will suck comparatively to this one
  5. The salary is awesome here, the work is less and more intellectual and so on, plus I am like the second-most senior person in this place but that's mostly cause its such a small company.
  6. I have already tried to negotiate my holiday in this company; the problem being that the current CEO is leaving and a new one is coming in, and the new CEO will decide on my break which will be in another month and not before that
  7. I cant leave before end of June, cause of family stuff
  8. My break will consist of me going to the place I love and staying there with interesting people, mostly travellers, and the thought of that is making my life here, even more miserable!!!

I don't know what to do, should I go back to my old job, or stay in this one? Should I negotiate my break here or there? I don't know and I am desperate for advice, any advice!

HELP!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Heroism in its Daily Form

So, I was generally pottering about my new office trying to look busy whereas I just wanted to shake off the weird prickly feeling in my ass from lack of blood circulation from sitting on a chair for hours, playing online Text Twist, when I noticed a rather quiet girl in office. Actually, I had seen her before but she never really caught my eye. What did catch my eye was that she had a hearing aid in both her ears.

Curious George-y feelings overtook me and I asked my colleague. Turns out, the girl is actually a 40 year old lady and was deaf from birth. Now, I have had a few conversations with her and I knew she talked funny, like she had a muffler in her throat or something but I just thought it was a bad throat or a speech defect. Shes completely deaf. Always has been. She lip-reads and talks fine, just has problem adjusting her pitch and tone! She had been working with a newspaper as a Crime and Business reporter for 13 years. CRIME AND BUSINESS!!!! And, wait for the best part... She has actually quit this job and is going to join Law School. LAW SCHOOL!!!!! I cant get over it. How do people get so much courage? Where is this courage hidden; the strength to go out and face the world, day after day, knowing that you will never be normal.

All my life, I have tried to fit in; to be part of a crowd. I was never ambitious; always trying to be as neutral as possible. Not because I didn't have a different opinion on things (which I almost always did) but because I just didn't want people to notice me. And here is this woman, so clearly different and yet, so normal!!

I am in awe of her. And, for some reason, I have started behaving extremely weird around her since I have known this fact. I don't know why but it gets me conscious and very very aware of my imperfections. I don't want to offend her in any way and because I know she cant hear me, I have started mouthing words rather than voicing them which makes me look dumb more than anything else.

I have realised that being weird is just a part of me and I will have to accept it!
Soon, very soon!

A new job, a new beginning?

Okay so I am at my new job and it should suffice to say that I don't really like it too much. Its roach infested, doesn't have too many intelligent people hanging around, absolutely no guys worth the eye and I don't like the work too much. For the past couple of days I have been trudging off to office with a heavy heart and finally decided yesterday to take a couple of weeks break soon.



Is it weird that I want to go on my break on my own and just be alone far away from a city like Delhi? The feeling I need is to get up each morning knowing that I have nothing to do except to maybe write and think about a lot of stuff. No responsibilities, meet people with a different view on life, a broader perspective, who think about things other than just making money. I also want to volunteer, help little kids or animals or women. I dont know. So much stuff is floating around my brain that it gets difficult for me to concentrate on work or family or friends.

Iam at a loss!(Sigh)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Self - Help Books and Smooth Talkers

So anyway, before I leave my old job, I want to finish some projects and try my best to not leave any client/project in the middle. One of these clients was an author of a self-help book who was an editor-turned-model-turned-writer-turned-publisher-turned-author-turned-photographer. There were only two ways he could be so bloody versatile, one was that he had no idea what he wanted to do in life and two, he really wanted to explore career options. Turns out, its the first one!

I first time I met him was in his house, with a platter of food in front me (I was on one of my diets, and that platter was all I could focus on (or not!) and he totally took my breath away. Not because my stomach was revolting against my brain or because he was good looking, but because this guy could really bullshit!!!! I mean, he started off by telling me that he completely trusts me and has full faith in my abilities as a PR professional and he is extremely eager to hire my PR services asap! Now I wouldn't mind all this praise except for the fact that HE HAD JUST MET ME!!!!!! Now, my colleague, for example, totally fell in love with him. "Ooooh hes so good looking and he talks so well and I am sure he must be a good author." I am pretty sure that my colleague has never really read a good book in her life but I was amazed at the way women just fall for any glib talking idiot on this planet.

Anyhoo, we did end up getting the project and the work started in earnest. Unfortunately for me, he isn't one of those guys who any media would be interested in but by pushing as much as I could, I did manage some decent enough coverage. Hes really happy and the reason why I know this, is because of a conversation I had with him yesterday when I decided to tell him about me leaving the job. Now, bear in mind that this is just a sample what I had to go through every time I spoke to him.


Ring ring
ST - Hey beautiful!

(Usual greeting! No problem there)

Naal - Hi ST!

ST - How you doing?

Naal - All good, you say? Back from ____?

ST - Yeah, landed today morning!

Naal - Okay St, I have some really bad news! (Ya, right!). I have resigned from here and have decided to move somewhere else.

ST - Nooooooooooooo! You cant do this to me!!! How can you leave me??

Naal - ???

ST - No I mean, you have the magical touch I so need in my life! How can you just abandon me like that??

Naal - No, No ST, I will finish all the work and if there is something pending then my colleagues will take it up. Don't worry, everything will be taken care of!

ST - No Naal, this is really sad news. You were my bright light, my magical touch, my hope, my Man Friday

(Excuse me, Man Friday??? What the...?????).

Naal - (Uncomfortable laughter) No No ST....ahhmmm I will take care of everything!!!

ST - No, but I need you here, with me. No-one can do what you have done. All the amazing coverage that I have got is just because of you. I will be eternally grateful for the amazing work you have done! Please stay!!

Naal - A little late for that (asshole!!). I have already resigned.

ST - Anyway, where are go joining now? Is it better than this?

Naal - Yes, definitely (obviously, no! YOU MORON!)

ST - Ya I guess change is for the good

Naal - Ya....Change is the only constant, right?? (errr, yeah I said that!!!!)

ST - Hahahaha....You've become really wise!
(I am sorry, become???)
You should start writing. I can foresee that in a couple of years you would have written your own self help book and you wont even need to hire PR for it.

Naal - (uncomfortable laughter) Yeah!

ST - Anyway, I know that you are destined for big things in life and you will achieve all what you want to achieve! God Bless!

Naal - (I hate people who say god bless, I mean honestly, how old are you? 90?) Thanks ST!!

ST - Bye Beautiful!

Naal - Bye

Honest!!!!!! Cross my heart and hope to die....that's the conversation I had!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Everyday News

So I have been hearing about all the racial attacks on Indians in Oz and I have been wondering what the hullabaloo is all about. I mean, this has been happening for absolute ages now. Why is it making the news now? And why is the Oz being bashed up so badly because of it?

Racism and discrimination is a part of everyones lives including Indians in India. I mean, I cant walk on the road without 20 autos stopping by to ask if I need a ride. If I need one, I will ask. I cant smoke in my car at a red light without drawing stares from other cars. A man smokes, fine. A labourer woman smokes, fine. Why me then?

Can you name one place on this planet which does not discriminate? Its there, heavy and present for all to see. Indians don't realise that they discriminate so much when it comes to goras in our land. I walk into a 5 star hotel along with a gora and the gora gets more attention than I do. They get service-with-a-smile and I get just polite service. When I went to Pushkar along with my friends, in spite of the fact that we had made reservations at a guest house, when we arrived our reservation had been cancelled cause some goras had preponed their plans.

How bad can racism and discrimination in another country be, when you face the same in your own?

So, my advice to these little cribbing idiots, Suck It Up! Its no better here!!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Its all in me and other learnings

I have been relieved for the past few days. A lot of factors contributed to it. I learnt so much and I totally feel like Dr. Phil only better looking and lesser facial hair!

Reliever number 1: I finally quit from my shoddy job, which I can say with complete enthusiasm, was a constant pain in the ass. Although, I needed a break and more than the new job I was excited about the two week holiday I was planning to take before I shifted. Turns out, I get all of 5 days of holiday, which made me want to murder someone with my bare hands and carry her head around in a platter, just for fun. But all in all, I'd rather take 5 days off than none. So, 4th is my last working day. I get on a bus on 5th and head to my fav place on earth, Mcleodganj. I go there about once in 3 months but I hadnt gone in a while and I can literally taste the excitement on my tongue. Mostly because I am finally going there without a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend in tow. And once I come back, I get to join a job which is paying me almost double of what I got at this miserable one. Hows that for relief?

Reliever number 2 was that my counseling is almost over. I have been told that I am healed and I don't really need to go there except for maybe once in two weeks for a month and then once a month for a bit and then over. Healing basically meant that you end up learning that the root cause of all your problems in not in anything else but you. You are the one who causes all the problems and you are the cure for it as well. The moment you learn to respect yourself, to take responsibility and to realise that you are the best version of yourself, you're done. That is the only thing I learnt. All the rest was rubbish!

Reliever number 3 was P4. Now now, I know what your thinking but its not that. It didn't work out. He disappeared. And this time it was much before he met me and saw how fat I was. Which was weird, 'cause men usually don't run out on me till they see me. But fortunately and thanks to my counselling I guess, it didn't really effect me much except for a certain sense of relief. To tell you the truth, I didn't like him too much. I'll tell you the rest later.

Life's a bitch ain't it?? But it definitely has its perks!!!

Move On!!! (Love these ads and these ads, by the way)

And oh ya, Adam Lambert is not the American Idol. Wow! That one was a shocker!! And hes gay too! My mother just nodded her know-it-all head when I told her. "Ya ya I knew. He wore eye makeup and nail polish. Of course he is gay!" Prejudices, I tell you!

And Delhi lost in the semis of IPL. I had bought the jersey and everything! I was in severe depression for a bit but the thought T20 World Cup cheered me up. Also, after the finals, I had nothing to do when I got back home and so, reconnected with family!

And, I luuurrrvvvveeee this 46 year old Swiss Minister (Picture Right) that I briefly did a project with. Oh!! hes soooo adorable! Married though! But who cares!





I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The One With.....A Goodbye Letter

Hi,

I know this letter is the last thing you expect from me but I had to write it down. I had to tell you what I feel about you and how much you mean to me and writing has always come easier to me than talking.

I am going to leave you soon. You and I both knew this day would come and we were both trying to prepare for it. But no amount of preparation would stop the hurt and the sadness. But it has to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We weren't meant to be together. It just wouldn't have worked out.

You know I love you. I always have. We have spent so much time together but to be honest, I didn't really start to understand you till a little while back. I knew I loved you I moment I saw you but I could never express it. I could never tell you how much you mean to me and even though we have had our differences, I could feel the love inside me. You have done so much for me, and I feel like whatever you went through before you knew me was for a reason. It made you into the perfect person for me.

It has taken me a long time to truly understand the hurt and pain I caused you in the beginning and how, even though you probably wanted to stop me from hurting myself, you still let me go, to learn and to grow the way you have. I went away only to come back to you, but even then there was always something stopping me from getting close to you. You, slowly but surely, chipped away at the wall I had around me, till I couldn't hold it any longer and my love for you pervaded me and everything I did. I know I have taken away a part of you because I was so cold in the beginning but I hope, at least lately, I have made it upto you. I regret not being there for you when you needed me and even though you called out to me, I turned my face and looked the other way. Believe me, I didn't do that because I didn't love you. I just didn't know any better. I didn't know how much you had come to be a part of me just like I am a part of you.

I feel like our souls have intertwined and touched because of the love we shared.

The little things come back to me now. I still remember the nights I spent with you and how you would wake up early in the morning just to make sure that no one would disturb my sleep. You would shut the door and scream at anyone who came near it; you knew it was difficult for me to sleep sometimes. You watched the movies I wanted to watch even though you were least interested in them. You would spend lavishly on my birthday and surround my bed with little gifts so I would wake up surrounded by them and even then I would look forward to going out with my friends and not care about your gifts and when I would get dissapointed with my friends for not making my birthday special, you would hold me and wipe away my tears even though your heart was breaking. You would meet me in the middle of the day just because I wasn't feeling right that morning, Sometimes you would whine when I couldn't spend time with you but at the end, you would still laugh at my little jokes and wipe away that little frown you get when you don't like something. You would stay awake, sometimes till the middle of the night, just to make sure I had reached home after a drunken night out with my friends. You would call twice, thrice a day just to find out how I am. You let me talk and rave and rant about stupid stuff and you still listened with intent and then talked to me about doing the right thing. You stood by me, even though I made stupid mistakes and hurt you even more. You let me be me despite my insecurities.

I am complete because of you.

And now its time. I have to leave soon and I know that its going to kill both of us. I cant imagine my life without you. Without your presence, your laughter, your tears, your hugs. You have meant so much to me and I am me because of you. You gave me your everything and I am going to take it forward with me.

I am leaving a part of my soul behind. It belongs to you.

Goodbye ma!

I love you

Yours always,

Your Daughter

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The day what I did, counted!

I am a very proud, first time voter, and if it wasn't for the fact that my voting constituency is considered considerably backwards, my picture would have also been in the newspaper, proud and smiling with the black mark on my finger prominently displayed.


Anyhoo, I voted and the reason why I did it is not because I thought my vote would really count but an altogether more vain reason. I had proudly proclaimed on television that I would vote and wonder of all wonders it was actually broadcasted. So not only did my disapproving parents see it but also a host of other people, who shouldn't have even known that I am capable of an opinion because eventually, they all laughed and called a stupid, moronic twit!

How it happened was this, there is a really good friend of mine, lets call him SIK, shall we, who I had a crush on some time back, joined an NGO as a City Leader. This NGO mainly has taken it upon itself to push people to register as voters all over India but mainly in the major metros, Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and the such. Now SIK had always thought that I was this intellectual person, with strong ideals, who does what she believes in etc and he got me to join this NGO as a City Team Member(CTM), better known as, cant-think-of-anything-better-to-do-doesn't-have-job-probably-in-college-wants-to-make-huge-impact-on-crush-who-has-strong-ideals, volunteer. We had a long conversation over drinks one day and I just, kinda, floated along. And very soon, I was this CTM who could command over the little college going CTM's by virtue of me being friends with SIK.



And sooner than you could say "hung parliament", I was actively involved in getting media for the various events that this NGO was doing in Delhi. One of these events was a rock concert for which I was supposed to call the media and believe me they came. All the major ones at least. It was a different case that there were absolutely no people there. But that's another story. At this concert, because of the lack of people, one of the TV channels needed to talk to someone about the initiative that the NGO was taking and whether it was making an impact and so on. Since the journalist knew me really well, she caught hold of lil ole me. And I was forced to say on camera that I would definitely vote and of course my life has changed and of course I think its so important that people should exercise their right to vote and also fulfil their duties to the nation and so on. It came on television for the world to see. I died. Not just because I was on TV but also because I lied on it. I wasn't registered as a voter, had absolutely no idea who I should vote for and had absolutely no intention of voting. And suddenly I had to vote. I was compelled to. In almost every conversation that I had after that, people talking to me about which candidate to vote for this time but also about the state of the nation and how they were so happy I was going to be one of the people who was going to spark a change and so on. Everytime I had one of these conversations, I was shaking with fear inside.



And so, I took a holiday from office, so I could register to vote. Yes, I did. I actually took a holiday, about 2 days before close of registration for voters. That day, I lounged around my house watching TV till I just could ignore it any more. Eventually, I raised myself out of slumber, got into my car and left to find the local Election Officer and registered to vote.



After that, I had this smug smile on my face. I lectured little 20 year olds in my office about how they should vote and it wasnt a joke and other stuff like that till it reached a point when just as I would turn around after giving them yet another lecture around the water cooler, I could feel their hatred burning down my back. But I didnt care! I wasn't a hypocrite anymore! And then a lot of things happened after that made me realise its a good thing I did register!!! Suddenly the party that I hated and would have hated even more if it would have won, was everywhere. They were campaigning with such gusto that I thought the winning of my party would be next to impossible. They were everywhere, on the radio, on television, in the papers, on lampposts. And it made my blood boil.



Come voting day, I went; a little scared, a little excited. I thought my name wouldnt be there. there were so many people who were turned back because there names weren't on the electoral roll. I looked for my name with bated breath. It was there!!!!! I went, cast my vote, got the little mark on my finger, left the area and immediately and called SIK. "I did it, I did it, I did it!!!!!" We went out for dinner with the other volunteers and celebrated the awakening of many others like me. Voter turn-out in Delhi was 5 percent more than last time. It doesn't sound like much but it meant a lot to us.



Today is counting day. The party I voted for, is winning. I cant help but smile!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

twitter, blog, facebook, orkut, and other such www mysteries

We ushered in a new generation of technology in our house a few days back. My father experienced the joys of webcam chat and saw his grandchild for the first time. I had to set it up for him and explain to him that people were doing this a really long time before he even thought of doing it in our house.

So, I just joined twitter and managed to find my way around and it and even got addicted to it, at least for a bit. But to be honest, this online networking thingummy has gotten to me nowadays. It just seems like people are everywhere and you just cant escape them.

Lets start with facebook, shall we? I had joined facebook against all my friends better advice. "Its too confusing, it takes ages to open, you'll get lost in all those applications." I went ahead and joined and really, really liked it. It was addiction from day one. And not to sound too conceited or anything, but I am better acquainted with computers, the world wide web, social networking sites, uploading, downloading and other such complicated issues, than most of my chickie friends. You see, I had a computer way before anyone else did and even in school, people used to come over to my house to practise "Computer Applications" the most obsolete subject now, consisting of programming in DOS and Lotus 123.

Now, because of the presence of a working model of a computer in my house, I managed to play with that thing quite a bit and I soon realised that almost anything that is done on it can be undone. And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. One in which I even ended up naming my laptop. "Happy Singh Ji". Don't ask why!

But now, things have changed. Everything is so complicated. RSS feeds, tweets, pokes, applications, cross-links, its just so mind numbing and there have been times when I have just switched off my screen just so I could take a breather. In my profession, its imperative that you use "Social Media" for your clients. The impact is huger and wider, specially if you have to reach out to a target audience consisting mostly of "Urban Youth". We even have a Online Specialist in our office to help out with all of this.

Don't take me wrong, I do realise the need for all this. We need faster communication, paperless offices, accurate information retrieval and all that and I really DON'T have the patience to walk into a government bank and be expected to WRITE down an application!!!

But I still wish I could get a letter in the mail once in a while. And not just my mobile bill but a real letter. One written down by hand, with thought and effort. One that you could hold on to and tie up with a red ribbon. 50 years later I would take it out and show it to my grandchildren. And they would laugh and call me "silly ole granny."

There I go, becoming old-fashioned again!

P4

Yes yes, the journey has started again. I have embarked on the trail of the suitable soul-mate all over again, after taking time off from recuperating from the disaster that was P3.



P4 comes along after a long break. Courtesy again, my mother and an online matrimonial site. (I am always a little wary of the people who register online. Why would you search for someone you would spend the rest of your life with, on a name attached to a www, which could turn out to be totally fake? But then I realise that I am on it too and I should really stop judging people on something I couldve-shoulve-wouldve done.) Anyhoo, my mother calls me up one day and tells me that there's this guy, probably the only one who showed any interest in me anyway, on the website and I should take a look. I refuse and she launched into one of her tirades as to how her life is going to end soon and she wants to see all her responsibilities taken care of before she enjoys the rest of her life in peaceful abandonment, bouncing babies off her lap.(My brother just had one and she has been in baby heaven since.) I rolled my eyes, silently let out a small scream and said, Fine.

So I logged in. Mind you, she had to give me the username and password. I had no idea about all of this, had never been on this site before and had no clue how all of this worked. After a couple of cigarettes, a lot of abuses and a vicious thirst for a tall glass of beer, I jumped in. There it was, my profile, filled with lovely little nuances and characteristics about me, some of which I didn't even know existed!!! First thing I noticed, a lot of people had shown interest in me. (I told you, the online world is full of weirdos). Second thing I noticed- P4.



Now, I have to give my mum credit. She manages to find some good ones for me, at least in her mind. Not that they are totally unlikeable or anything. They are just, well, boring! P4 however, turned out to be not-too-bad. Architect from Manipal, (you know, I really do think that Manipal manages to churn out some really "cool" people. I regret looking down upon it when it came time for my admissions. Forgive me, Manipalians, including Sa and Gee!), good enough height (so goddamn important for me, you have NO idea!!) from the same clan as mine, (very important for fathers good wishes and presence at wedding) and had similar taste in music. Now I know that may not sound as much, but stand where I am standing, and you will understand, to start well is half done.



So I said yes. Yes, he looks interesting; yes his picture isn't too bad either; yes, you can talk to him, ma. My mother called him and the first round of interviews were cleared("He speaks well. I have given him your number. He should be calling you today"). The call came rather late at night and we ended up speaking for a long time. I felt no "connection" as such. It was like two acquaintances talking after ages. Long uncomfortable silences, lots of "and tell me"'s and weird lets-get-to-know-each-other questions - "what are your hobbies" and such. But all in all, it wasn't half bad, except for one small detail which worried me a little bit. He broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, about 6 months back. Now, according to me, 6 months in not a long enough time for a person to get over a 5 year relationship. It troubled me. But I guess, if the person is sure, who am I to complain?

Then my mother met him. She luuurrvvved him. In her words, "he is perfect for you, except hes on the slim side. You decide what you are going to do now." In other words, "can I enroll you in a slimming programme, or may be fat camp??" I love my mother. I am on a crash diet, boiled veggies and no alcohol.

And so, it starts; the entire game of who calls who first, who messages more often, why hasn't he called, its been a whole day, its 11:20, 23, 29 p.m., he usually calls around 11. Oh my god, he hates me doesn't he? Maybe I shouldnt have told him about...............

Relationships stress me no end!!!

"You can step out any time you like
But you may never leave"

Monday, May 4, 2009

The aimless wanderings of the nameless mind....

The world takes a turn and I find myself in a closed, claustrophobic room, white, with a window so far away I doubt if I could reach it. I make an attempt because that's what my life is now, attempts. A trial and error method that I learnt in a statistics class a long, long time ago.

The world turns again and now I am surrounded by men. Large, burly men with construction tools. Tools that have blood on them. They all sneer at me. "Its time" they say, "time to choose".

The spinning and turning continues, into a far reaching landscape. Africa, I think. Sparse and cold, lifeless yet again. I hug myself to get some comfort, some warmth. Africa eludes me. Maybe I can turn myself, away from this barren world.

I turn. I fall.

Its 1997, I am sitting in an examination room. There is no electricity. I keep a tissue under my arms so my hands don't slip with the sweat that seems to be exuding out of every pore of my body. I keep writing, regurgitating whatever I had learnt in that one sleepless night with coffee and cigarettes and a phone that doesn't ring, as company.

The turning just doesn't stop. I feel sick now.

I am in a bus, going up the mountains, fervently hoping for a miracle, trusting my life in the hands of a bus driver I will never meet. Its cold. I pull the well worn blanket above my head. It smells of cheap perfume and sweat. I think of a newly married woman, going up the same way, into the mountains, to start an unsure life.

I wait this time, patiently, for the world to come to me. To bring its disillusioned life at my feet. This time, it doesn't happen.

I wait, as I always will, sick and yet, expectant.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am on the outside and I am looking in....

I went through this entire phase of depression, self doubt, a whole lot of emotional cutting and so-on with absolutely no wish of putting anything down in writing. In any case, I didn't want to be stoned in public which I would have, had I written half of the thoughts I have had in the last couple of months. I still visited occasional blogs though and I found that people have marched on, regardless of my absence. (Kinda makes you feel small and insignificant, donnit?)

Anyway, I started going for counselling. People who have visited my blog often would nod their heads in agreements when I say, I needed it. I do have issues and as my counsellor says, "The first step is becoming aware". Anyhoo, I have gone for a couple of sessions now and believe me it helps, contrary to popular belief. (Exact words of Sa were - But, you'll become dependant!!! and how will you ever get out of it??). I went, nonetheless, and the first session wasn't that great. I mean I opened my mouth and blurted out everything that came to my mind and didn't feel lighter at all. I didn't start crying as I remembered everything although I did come close to tears. It just felt....normal I didn't take any deep breath after the session. But it did make me eager to go again and talk, mindlessly and without the burden of repercussions.

The second session was amazing!! It was like an eye-opener and made me so much more aware of the contradictions and conflicts within me. I did take a deep breath after this one and even though I vowed to make some changes nothing really happened till today morning when suddenly, as I was driving to work, I just became - me!! It was an amazing feeling. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew who I liked and who I didn't. I also knew what state the world was in. I was happy. I sang. The world looked good, I smiled at beggars, beggars smiled back. Co-workers, shop-keepers, even dogs smiled back!!!

It is a wonderful feeling!!!

Iaaammmm Baaaaacccckkkk...lalalalala!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Scared or Self Preserved?

So, I was driving to work today and on one of those narrow lanes that I have discovered as a shortcut, there was a slight traffic jam. I couldn't figure out the reason; there can be many; cows on the road, some kids playing street cricket, a rally and so on. This time however, the reason was a little different. There was a crowd that had gathered at the side of the road consisting only of men and as I passed them, I saw what can only be described a very frightened woman in the middle of that crowd. She was screaming at another man who looked very smug. One woman surrounded by at least 20 men!!! To my shame, me and the other commuters, did not stop (some commuters paused just to have a look at whats happening) but not one, read O-N-E person stopped to help. And, neither did I.




After about 3 seconds I realised what I should have done. I should have stopped to find out what happened and offer my help. I know if I was in her place, I would have really appreciated it, if someone had stopped to help me, considering I would have been surrounded by 20 men. But I didn't. I didn't stop. And that got me thinking.




Why don't people help each other, specially in such sticky situations. Is it because of the sheer nature of the situation? I have seen people stop and help accident victims. But for some reason, people will never stop if there is a fight happening. They will stop and stare but they will never help.




I read another article in the paper yesterday. A man was getting pickpocket(ed) in a crowded. He felt the thief's hand on his pocket and quickly grabbed it. The thief, whipped out a small knife and stabbed the man. The man's friend realised what was happening only after the man started screaming. The friend started screaming at the bus driver to stop the bus, but the driver didn't listen. Not one person helped the two men. The thief actually managed to throw the man he was robbing from the bus. The bus still didn't stop. His friend had to jump from the bus and rushed the man to the hospital. He was pronounced DOA.




Now, I know people are scared to get into any trouble if they helped someone. But are you trying to tell me, that if all the people on the bus had gotten together and grabbed that thief's knife, he would not have been overpowered? Are you also trying to tell me, that if I had stopped to help that woman today, it would not have helped the situation?




I have stopped many a times to help people, dogs, cows, horses; whatever I could see needed my help. But I don't stop each and every time. I am so guilt ridden today that it has driven me to tears. What if the crowd had gotten rowdy and hurt the woman, raped her even? Maybe, just maybe I could have prevented that situation?




What has driven us to such fear, fear to help another human being?




I think its an innate urge to self preserve. I cant blame anyone else anymore for not helping another person in need. I am just like everyone else.




Monday, March 2, 2009

Why Worry

Baby I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby I'll wipe away those bitter tears
I'll chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into grey
Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now
Baby when I get down I turn to you
And you make sense of what I do
I know it isn't hard to say
But baby just when this world seems mean and cold
Our love comes shining red and gold
And all the rest is by the way
Why worry,
There should be laughter after pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Travelog Pushkar

Pushkar - a small town in the heart of Rajasthan. Known mostly for its annual camel fair, locally known as the "Pushkar Mela" that is held around Nov- Dec. It is supposedly the worlds largest camel fair. Pushkar is also known for the fact that is considered one of the holiest towns in India mostly because this is where a lotus fell from the beak of a swan released by the Gods and hence it became the place where Bramha was to perform his Grand Yagna. Its about 14 ms from Ajmer and a total of about 8 and a half hours journey from Delhi.

I call Pushkar "The Land of the Bovine". Honestly, its where cows rule!! They get the best food, they are worshipped, and they generally strut their stuff about. The unofficial motto of the Pushkar is "Sab Kuch Milega". And the place really lives up to that motto. Alcohol, Tobacco, Drugs and Non-Veg are strictly forbidden there. But, you can get everything from beer to hashish. All you got to do is not look like a typical Indian tourist.

Getting There:
There are no direct buses from Delhi to Pushkar. You have to take the Inter-State bus to Ajmer and then a local bus to Pushkar. The journey there was the most eventful. We had bookings for a bus that left from Delhi at 10:30 pm for Ajmer. Turns out, there is no bus and even if there is a bus, there were no bookings!!! For those people who were heaving a sigh of relief at the introduction of the online bus ticketing website called redbus, I wouldn't get too happy. Our bookings were not communicated to the travel agent and we ended up with an hour of haggling, arguing and trying very desperately to control our temper. And for three women travelling without a male companion it could also have turned out to be rather unsafe. I would request you to move your asses and go up to a travel operator or the local Inter State Bus Terminal if you want sure shot bookings. The Government is so much better sometimes!!

And, at the end of an hour, we had to do that. We took an auto at 11:30 in the night to ISBT and got the last Rajasthan Roadways bus to Ajmer. Costed us a lot less, we were extremely uncomfortable but at least we got there in one piece; physically and mentally. The bus was also on time which is a major yay! for the government. Ajmer to Pushkar is another half an hour. There are buses that leave every 15 mins from the main Ajmer bus stand to Pushkar and cost you as little as 10 bucks.

The Place:
When you reach Pushkar, beware of all sorts of vendors that will assail you. From Rickshaw pullers to cart pushers. Yes, you can even use pushcarts as transport there!!! But that aside, the energy about the place hits you. Its lazy and energetic at the same time. When you are at the outskirts of the town, there is an expectant lull. You know it before you hit the main town; you expect the energy but you cant feel it. And then suddenly, there is rush of everything. It all hits you at the same time. All the people; shopkeepers, tourists, sadhus, kids, chattering women; all of them converge to form what can only be described as a hurricane. The market is pure chaos. There are signboards everywhere, advertising all sorts of hotels, motels, guesthouses, shops. Touts will come so close you can smell the breath. And then you see them- The Cows. They are everywhere. Its like, its their land and your encroaching upon it. They will sit meekly and chew endlessly but you still feel like your intruding into their private space. Its amazing! you can imagine them sitting there all along and the town just sort of coming up around them. An hour later, when you have finally made peace with them and made a mental note of "Always-Look-At-The-Ground-When-Walking" 'cause there cow dung everywhere, you kind of get used to them and even start to like them a little bit.


Hotels:

The hotel search was a disaster as well. We had made bookings in a small two-room guest house called Chachas Garden; one of those establishments that are run by a foreigner woman and her Indian husband. We reached there after an hour of walking around. (Pushkar is like a maze, by the way. It would take you a couple of days to get used to the small bylanes, pathways and such. One wrong turn and you can end up wandering for hours.) Anyhoo, we finally reached only to find out that the hotel was overbooked and couldn't accommodate us. So the search began again and we finally managed a room at...wait for it...Pink Floyd Hotel!! Yup! That was the name of the place. Not very Pink Flyod-y if you ask me, except for the name and a couple of posters on the wall at the reception. We stayed in a room called "Obscured by Clouds". Very innovative! The room was pretty okay. Very comfortable for the three of us. The loo was a disaster though. It was so small that we were almost standing on the commode and having our baths. But otherwise, it suited our purpose just fine.




Food:

Our quest for good food fell flat on its face. The food at the hotels terrace-restaurant was really bad. The view was splendid though. But, we did not find good food till next days breakfast.

"Funky Monkey" was the name of the blessed cafe. The food there made our trip one of the best I've ever had. Its a small cafe with just about 4 tables set out on the road. So if a cow passes us and decides to sample our food, there was nothing we could practically do about it. Don't expect too much from the service as well. It took about 45 minutes for three "set" breakfasts. So light up your cigarettes and enjoy the views of the market while you patiently wait for the food.


Stuff to do:
Out of the many temples and ghats at Pushkar, we managed to visit just one - Savitri Temple. Its on a neighbouring hill. 750 kms high, the climb is about 1.5 kms, so its steep. Don't attempt the climb in heels, chappals and such. Walking/trekking shoes would be best. Also, carry along bottles of water. The temple is not much to look at. But the climb can make you feel at peace once you reach the top. And, the view is Spectacular!!! You can even see the course of a dried up river leading into a lake. Its the best place to see the sunset if your not afraid of the climb down in the dark. The stairs are not all smooth concrete. Most of the way is just stairs cut out from the hill itself.

We also went down to the ghats at night. Not being much of a visitor to Hindu holy places, I was quite dissapointed. The ghats were full of, you guessed it, cowdung!! It could be spiritual for a lot of people but personally I didn't feel anything except a need to have a bath once I got back to the hotel.

Now for the girly part. The shopping is just mind blowing! The market has such an energy about it that it calls to you. By the end of a few hours I was actually scared of it and didn't want to venture out again. Also, remember to bargain. We found a really nice shop called The Dali Shop. It sells paintings, UV and otherwise also and the owner would gladly show you all his paintings if you manage to convince him you are interested in that sort of stuff.

Overall:
What surprised me the most were the contradictions that surround Pushkar. You can sit for hours in a cafe overlooking the ghats just doing nothing and at the same time, just outside the cafe, you can go crazy in the market, shopping, looking for stuff, talking to locals. I sat next to a sadhu on the bus from Pushkar to Ajmer, and even though the bus was claustrophobic and overcrowded, I felt at peace, surrounded the smells of burnt wood and camphor coming from him. In a place of religion and spirituality you can smoke up, drink and do pretty much anything you want as long as its not in the public eye. People will stop and pose for pictures, smile for them even. They will get up on a lazy afternoon and escort you when you are lost. They will give you free Iced coffee, albeit with a fly in it, if they feel guilty enough about overbooking you. They will even take you to the loo at their relatives place if you really need to pee in the middle of the market and cant find a loo.

When you go to Pushkar, don't expect too much but you will definitely get what you want whether you like it or not. "Sab Kuch Milega!!!!"


Jai Savitri!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

After a Siesta

How long has it been since you got drunk? Not just drunk. Embarrassingly drunk!!! The kind of drunk, you just never want to remember the next morning.

Its been aggggeeess since that happened to me. Generally, I consider myself to be a mature, sane person; someone who can hold my drinks. However, I found out much to mine and S's dismay that that only holds true if there is beer involved. Yesterday, however, was a different ballgame. It involved a "deadly" drink called Long Island Iced Tea(LIT). For the uninitiated, LIT is a drink you agree to have when you know the results are going to be pretty hot and heavy; the drink consisting of Rum, Vodka, Gin and Tequila. So basically, its a party in your stomach, a bunch of drunk Santas and some scantily clad girl elves do the rounds of your head and you can barely hold your pee.

And if anyone has ever been to Delhi and sampled the LIT at a place called Superstars; you would know what I am talking about. Its the deadliest LIT I have ever sampled and after a couple of them last night these are the following events that took place:





  • I stole a salt shaker. I have no idea why. I just did it. Wrapped a tissue around it and calmly put in my bag. (Do you think I am a klepto?)


  • I laughed hysterically at old college memories including one of me telling my friends I want a tattoo of an eagle on my butt; placed in such a way that there is one wing on each cheek. Not because of anything else but because it would look like the eagle was flying when I clenched and unclenched my butt cheeks. Creative don't you think? Anch certainly seemed to think so. That's why she has told everyone she knows about this story including her ex. Now, I wouldn't have told a soul about it . It was one of those memories you lock up in a deep, dark place in your mind and never, ever reveal to anyone. But since Anch has already done the deed I thought I might as well throw caution to the wind and publish the story on the World Wide Web. And if you tell anyone, I will kill you!!!


  • I spat in my drink. No, not the disgusting picture you have in your brain. I had to. I didn't have a choice. I was laughing so bad, I knew I would have choked if I attempted to swallow the sip I had in my mouth. So the choice of spittoon was Table, S's lap or the glass. I chose the last one. Yes, I do think I am the most disgusting person on the planet. All those in favor say "Aye!!".


  • Strawfighting with Anch. For the people who don't know, Strawfighting is when you fight with the other person using your straws as swords. The person who bends the other persons straw first, wins (Okay I just made that rule up. But honestly, I think this should be included as an Olympic sport. Who do you think I could write to about this?) This was when both me and Anch were equally drunk. So I am forgiven.


  • Ya, and then I tried to have this intense conversation with S on life and the meaning of it. I have no recollection of the talk. (I am sure S is going to breathe a sigh of relief when she reads this.)

So, that was my one night of abandonment. I felt a million times lighter in the morning in spite of the dehydration, heavy head and this intense craving for coffee.

I recommend a night like this for everyone. Try it! It works!

Naal, ova and out!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never be brought to mind?

I officially declare this year to be one of the worst in my life (And, here the new-old guy is going to say - "Why the eff do you keep cribbing for Gods sake!!!"). But it is true. This year has been one of the worst years of my life - The first being '07, "The Year of the Break - Up". I will of course write in detail about that later. Okay, maybe just a few sentences, since I am in the mood of reminiscing. A guy (the guy) broke up with me a couple of weeks before I was supposed to fly down and meet his parents, on the first day of my exams, after our marriage had been fixed, family members informed and celebrations begun (well, almost). Last year was the worst year of my life. And now, you know why. (Anybody who needs his address to pay him a little visit, feel free to contact me!!)

But, I digress. Back to '08. You will find below some of the worst things that have happened this year. They are in descending order of magnitude

1. My best friends mom expired. 'nuff said.
2. Problems arrived on the family front, and how!
3. I had a massive fight with one of my closest friends, and I am never, never speaking to him unless there is some serious grovelling involved.
4. I earn lesser than what I used to last year
5. I started working with The Colleague From Hell.
6. Terror struck the country over, and over and over again. (Give up terroristy people. We will never bow to you.)
7. I went out of town almost always accompanied by an ex-boyfriend (eeeyeh). I dont speak to him anymore and that's made it worse.
8. I didn't fall in love.
9. I almost got married.
10. I saw some good action, hence making me totally emotionally dependant on the person providing it.
11. I did not wake up in someones arms feeling like I was in heaven.
12. I almost got caught lying to my mother (a lesson I still haven't learnt).
13. I made absolutely zero new friends.


And finally,

I got a haircut yesterday. And its horrible! Its as if a mouse was allowed to nibble on my hair. People have actually gasped when they saw my hair and that's almost never good. Nobody gasps at hair, unless its a shampoo ad they're looking at.

Yes, it's been a bad year!

And oh ya, Happy New Year guys!!!

"This Years Love"
By David Gray

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this, life goes on

And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last

Monday, December 22, 2008

TOW Realisations and Events

So, I've had an eventful couple of weeks.

1. I found a new guy, actually re-discovered an old one.

2. I came face to face with P3 and completely ignored his existence (Yay! for me) even though my plate was dying to fly out of my hands and sever his (I am sure) small dick.

3. I handled a high-flying party and met extremely influential people (and when I say influential, I mean influential...P. Chidambaram, Deepa Mehta, Praful Patel and so on. Yes yes, I rub shoulders with the "it" crowd).

4. I also abandoned my Goa plans (Sigh). Turns out everybody is crazy busy that particular week in Feb when I was planning my vacay.

5. And I realised that '08 has been a really, really bad year for a lot of people. And I am hoping the next year is better than this miserable one.

But the most exciting thing that happened was the new-old guy. Keep your fingers crossed guys....will keep you posted!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Prospective No. 3

For all those people who read my previous post and were sitting all fingers crossed and fervently praying for my future happiness, here is some bad news. And while I am quite glad at this turnout and, more importantly, I know the "what goes around comes around, times three" rule, I am sure other people, namely my family, are not really happy with the result.


Okay, everything else aside, why are people so hesitant to tell the truth. I mean, we are all human. We all make mistakes and for gods sake, the truth will set you free and all that!!


Prospective 3 (lets call him P3 from now on) was one of those guys who want to try a million things on for size before they pick one. Its fine when you do it with clothes and shoes, underwear even, but not with women. You can try a shoe, not like it and move on, without even a "later!!" and not be at the risk of hurting its feelings. We women on the other hand, would like to be informed if you have selected another shoe. We want to be told that we have lost the race and there is no hope of winning the grand prize of a lifetime of slaving over the pot and picking up after our incapacitated husbands.


Straight after my first meeting with P3, and after he expressed his interest in taking things forward and me saying "likewise" to my mother, he left for foreign shores on a business trip. I did not hear from him for the next month or so. Not even a "Hi" or a even more casual "Waddup". It did not concern me much as I am well aware of how incapable men are in the subtle art form called Communication.


Upon his return, and the only way I knew he had returned was that I knew someone who worked in his office, I decided to take matters in my own hand and texted him. After all, this was as much as my decision as his. Right??? WRONG!!! And all women who have been through the entire getting-to-know-each-other game would be nodding in agreement right now. A woman is never, ever, ever supposed to take the first step. Its a cardinal sin and it makes you look desperate and needy and clingy. (Who makes these rules in any case??Patience is not one of my virtues and I always end up violating this one. Arrrghhh, I hate this rule!!) Anyhoo, I made the mistake and wrote him a very casual "Alive Yet??". Sacrilege I tell you!!! To my surprise I got a prompt reply. "Alive and Back" said the text. Subtle, bland, emotionless. I, on the other hand, was over the moon. And to further my excitement, I got a call as well. It lasted a while and by the end of it, I was imagining myself dancing around trees in Switzerland on my honeymoon. And in the duration of the call, plans to meet that weekend were also made. I even called up S and told her. That was my level of excitement.


So, I looked forward to the weekend. The weekend came, finally!! And no sign of P3, not even a peep. I waited, and waited and waited, till I just couldn't anymore and made another mistake. I texted him to ask him what the scene was and if we were meeting. And then I waited some more. Towards the end of the day, I got a reply. " Am with Boss who has come down from London. Have to chaperon him for the weekend. Can we do this next weekend??" And so naturally, I said sure and went out for drinks with S.



Next Weekend


By Friday I knew he had gone out of town again. Gone to the home town to meet the parents and the 100 day old niece. I was feeling all very nice and warm and fuzzy. After all, I was going to be a part of his family and his 100 day old niece would soon be my 100 day old niece as well.


Texts exchanged on Friday:


P3 -"Can we do it next weekend??"


Naal -"Sure Thing, No Problemo, Absolutely!!"


P3 - "How about coffee next Saturday?? "


Naal - "That would be great!!"






The weekend after that


Saturday 1 p.m. - I had bitten my nails down to their stumps in anticipation.


Saturday 2 p.m. - " What the eff??"


Saturday 3 p.m. - I gave up and sent a text - " I guess we are not meeting today as well??"


Saturday 6 p.m. - I had one of those revelations that people talk about. If someone does not even respect my time enough to let me know if he is unable to meet, I dont think I can be with him. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life in a guessing game. I called him to tell him off. He did not pick up. I finally texted him and told him it was not working out and the reason why as well. I got a reply.


"I owe you an apology Naal. I completely agree with your message and point taken. But I guess it wasn't working out for either of us. I met someone when I was travelling and I dint know how serious she was till she flew down to meet me while I was with my parents. And that was just a week ago!!".


So, I am supposed to be okay with that?? Cause, its just been a week since you have known, right?? Ya ya, Of course I can shrivel up and die honey!! Of course I have no self respect and of course the sun shines out of your ass!!


Now, I know I made the biggest mistake ever by taking the first step and texting him. But oh wow!! How desperate is she?? She actually flew down to meet him??? After barely a couple of months of knowing him??? And what the eff was he doing till then?? Waiting to see who proves how serious who is about him?? And if that is the case what happened to Rule No 1. "Women should never show their feelings" and Rule No. 2 "Women should never take the first step even if they are dying. No, not even a text!!" (Rules!!! Sod 'em I say) But in my defence they do seem to work on other people and not some EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WHACKJOB WITH VERBAL DIARRHOEA!!! HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, FREAK!!!



There!! I Said It!!That probably saved me a million bucks in therapy...Don't you think??


So, back to being a spinster... Ahhh, bliss!!!